An Autobonerography
I think the despondent nature of last week’s post was too sharp a contrast from what I feel this blog should concern itself with. So, aninterstellarburst is back in good spirits and full of monkey business, tomfoolery, and other colloquialisms that I can’t think of.Maybe I’ve hit rock bottom or simply ran out of good ideas, but here we go anyway: A post about Ryan’s penis.
And no, it doesn’t have a name.
This isn’t so much a background or biography as it is a timeline of my early experiences with erections. By the way, I feel oddly compelled to revel that I am circumcised. And it’s strange when you think about it, given the fact that I am neither Jewish nor Muslim. Which got me wondering why my mother let a doctor cut part of my penis off? So I asked her.
“Because it was the style at the time,” she said.
You can only imagine my relief in discovering that in the early 1980’s I had a very stylish penis. Other than that, there is really nothing else remarkable about my thingy.
It would be impossible for me to pinpoint the exact moment of my first boner. For all I know I was dry humping stuffed animals straight from the get go. But I can tell you the moment in which I discovered the correlation between a strange swelling in my Oshkosh B'gosh’s and the semi-nude female form. You see, growing up, one of the few VHS tapes we had in our house was “Return of the Jedi”. We also had one of the those VCR’s that had a “remote control’, only the “remote control” had a six foot cord leading back to the tape deck. Anyway, my first real sexual fantasy/mini boner is entirely due to Jabba the Hutt’s insistence that Princess Leia wear a skimpy slave girl outfit (pictured below).
The strange thing about this one is that I no longer find Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) attractive. I have no idea what six year old Ryan saw in her, but I’m fairly certain he had no idea about the incestuous relationship she had with Luke Skywalker. But I do remember the curiosity and twinkle in my pants every time I saw the Princess swing from a rope or strangle Jabba wearing nothing but a bikini. So that pretty much sums up 1983 to 1990. Or as I should of called it: “Ryan McClune – the seven year-old pervert”
Next on the list is a young Brooke Shields (pictured below) from the 1980 film “Blue Lagoon”. It’s a wonderfully erotic movie once you get around the unlikely and convoluted story line. There’s no way in hell those two kids would of survived alone on that island after the old man died. Couple that with a teenage Brooke Shields giving birth without the presence of a midwife and you can see just how ridiculous yet boner inspiring “Blue Lagoon” really is. I could of course go on about how great Brooke looked in a makeshift bikini but I’m not going to. Rather, I recommend renting the film, lighting a few candles, and letting nature do the rest.
And last but not least, my first love - Kelly Kapowski. Head Cheerleader at Bayside High and “on again off again” girlfriend of the school’s resident lothario Zach Morris; Tiffani-Amber Thiessen’s Kelly was the hottest thing on after school television in the early to mid 1990’s. On an interesting side note, if you google “Kelly Kapowski”, her Wikipedia entry is listed as “Kelly Morris”, in case you forgot that she eventually married Zach.
I’ve decided to stop here, we’ll call it 1996 - when Ryan (aged 13), is still sexually innocent yet full of lustful curiosity. If I blogged about myself at 14 or 15, things would start to get weird and gross. Like the time I put a condom on and masturbated. Which is arguably the strangest most pointless thing I have ever done. You see, at this point, sexual Ryan murdered childhood Ryan. And that’s not even the sad part, the sad part is that fifteen year old Ryan never really grew up.
That’s it. I’m disappointed too.
But check out this link which brings a smile to my face much like the monkey poster that Vince brings up in the comments section.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vbnLYROCj8
posted by Ryan McClune @ 9:12 PM
8 Comments:
Love the link. Who didn't like Perfect Strangers? The theme song for that show was written by Jesse Frederick. Jesse also wrote the themes for Step by Step, Full house and Family Matters.
Also, a lot of people don't know that Family Matters was a spin-off of Perfect Strangers, Carl and his wife were introduced in Perfect Strangers, the wife was the elevator operator/doorwoman in Larry and Balki's apartment. Here is another link for you to enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ws6zba8sTVw&feature=related
I was never aroused by Princess Leia in Return of the Jedi. I always thought she looked rather man-ish. If it didn't move a little, though, for Brooke Shields or Kelly Kapowski, you've got problems.
That is some fascinating trivia, Vince. Well done.
I finally watched Say Anything the night before last. Meh, I still stand by my previous opinion of Better Off Dead being far superior. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it, but it didn't quite stand up the the 80s-ness of Better Off Dead.
The best thing about Say Anything: John Cusack refers to his nephew in the movie as "J-Man." Major bonus points.
We're of one mind on our attractions of our youth. I remember the day I discovered Blue Lagoon as a boy, it was a shock to me that it wasn't in fact the craziest porno of all time. It's way more perverted than Taboo 2, et al. How many things with that movie take it way farther than any porno would dare?
Brook Shields, the actress and her character are both 14 years old, her cousin and her stranded on a deserted island in loin cloths, he finds her having her first period, tries to cuddle then goes and beats off. Then a bunch of murky underwater full frontal nudity you would have to "time" if you were watching on TV. And theres like this beautiful uncorrupted natural love between the two which they consummate over and over.
I would add to that list that soon after Kelly Kapowski, I started getting a thing for older women, Lori Loughlin from Full House in particular. She was the only thing that convinced me Uncle Jesse wasn't gay.
I see we have lost everyone but summers, healy and myself. Jeff, you are still wrong about those movies. I would also like to add that I have never seen blue lagoon but I have been to the Island where it was filmed.
another Blue Lagoon random observation: they name their child "Paddy", a couple of kids who have been out of touch with all of civilization for almost a decade, still name their child something less retarded than someone would if they had the last name Palin.
I would like to submit for the approval of this blog the very boner-ific Phoebe Cates coming out of the swimming pool scene from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. I should thank her for the many wonderful experiences she gave me. Also does anyone remember the early 90's HBO series "Dream On"? Again very appealing and eye-opening for a young boy. Any guy that doesn't agree that Kelly Kapowski was the ultimate '90s fantasy was obviously getting their rocks off about AC Slater. And let us not forget about Pam Anderson on Baywatch! Is it weird that I first encountered Blue Lagoon only a few short months ago and was still aroused by the young Brooke Shields? I must admit I never quite understood the public captivation with Brooke Shields, but now I get it. Kudos Brooke.
Perfect Strangers fucking classic!!!
Yes, Phoebe Cates' pool scene is a classic moment as well.
"Dream On" was also a great show. What was the guy's name? Bryan Benben?
Yes, Jeff you are correct it was Brian Benben who played Martin Tupper on "Dream On". Why you know that will never cease to amaze me.
Also, I would like to include Revenge of the Nerds to the list of early puberty exploits..."Oh hair-pie"
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