Can't think of a title again...here's a pretty picture
Apologies for the lack of an update. I could go ahead and say that I’ve been extremely busy with work and women but I don’t feel like lying. Speaking of lying, I got a haircut today, and if you don’t already know this, I’m a terrific liar while getting a trim.
Because I usually go to a Super Cuts or a Great Clips, I get a different “stylist” every time. These are lonely women I think (except for the occasional gay man), and they often seem overly interested in how my weekend was, or, if it’s upcoming, what my plans for it are. And this is a lovely opportunity to tell “porky pies”.
I was a law student for fifteen minutes today. I played the part at least, and the twenty something Asian was never the wiser. Sometimes I tell tales of extravagant travels or say I’m in the military. I even went as far as saying I spent time in Iraq once. Although I have yet to summon the courage to try an accent. My debit card does say “Ryan McClune”, so an English, Irish, Scottish, or Welsh accent couldn’t possibly be that difficult to accept. But what I’m trying to say is this: these precious moments we share with the single mothers that cut our hair is an invaluable opportunity to assume the identity of our dreams (except for “rich guy”, because rich guys don’t go to Super Cuts). So my advice to you is this: Fuck therapy, for half an hour a month you can be the man you have always wanted to be.
Space monkeys: Project Mayhem requires each of you to get a haircut and tell beautiful lies. And make sure to leave comments on their success.
By the way, a welcome to Seth is in order. I’m always glad to see a new reader and he has so far proven himself to be an active member of the "burst". Keep it coming.
P.S. Although Seth’s stories of drink fueled debauchery involving yours truly are completely accurate, he failed to mention the worst of the lot: making out with a friend of a friend from High School, only to find out the next day from a reliable source that she had Human Papillomavirus (HPV). If I had gotten lucky that night, I certainly wouldn’t have been…lucky (that’s a drunken attempt at being clever).
Safe.
posted by Ryan McClune @ 11:05 PM
7 Comments:
Ah, the haircut, I have gone down a different path with the girl who cuts my hair. I slept with her. I didn't use lies to accomplish this. No, booze was my weapon of choice. Surprisingly she came back for more which made me wonder if there was something wrong with her.
Anyway, my first question is Ryan, could you please verify the name of the monkey on the poster you had when you lived with max and his dog. I wonder what happened to that dog.
Congrats on not getting HPV, I am really happy for you. I am getting my haircut this week, with the girl I spoke of before, I will attempt to see if there are any lies I can proceed to tell her.
Party on Garth.
There's more to it than simply spouting off any lie that pops into your head. You can't just say, for instance, "I can destroy cities with my mind," or "These shoes cost $4.5 million." People can see right through claims like that. The lies have to be realistic. And, while I don't want to give away all my trade secrets, I will say that statements that include more personal details tend to work better, such as, "I have to miss work because my mother is sick," or "I'm infertile." People are also more likely to believe you if your statement includes an offer of help, like, "Sure, I'll watch your bag," or "I know CPR!" These are just the fundamentals I'm talking about; it takes years to get to my level of expertise.
Using the blog to make a quick plug. Our dear friend TM Senecaut got engaged last weekend. Thought you'd all like to know.
Safe
A great post indeed Ryan. Let me briefly touch on this Tboz engagement announcement, since no one has heard the news from his mouth I think we should hold off on making it blog-worthy. I have always found telling far-fetched tales to strangers to be quite amusing even if you are the only one laughing and its inside your head. Greg makes some solid points as well. I like to imagine myself as being a J. Peterman like character during my haircuts. Lots of travels, lots of exotic fabrics, and lets not forget the explorations in to local black market affairs. I am not due for a cut for a week or two but will keep the group updated.
I think it noteworthy enough to mention that marijuana usage before a haircut can be a beautiful yet awkward experience. The feelings one emotes during a head massage and shampoo can be quite glorious but the conversation whilst in the chair never really gets rolling. The trapped feeling under the plastic sheet is somewhat sauna-suitesque and can lead to early onset cottonmouth. This area of northern Virginia I would pose as the supple breast that nourishes the hopes and dreams of all broken English speaking Asian women ages 18-55 who desire to style hair for a living. They seem to call my style the military cut and always tell me that, "the army want you, the navy want you" and I reply, "they can't have me, but you can...if only for the night."
Jeff, is it better than the time you had Davis cut your hair?
I have to say, this haircut is better than the time Johnny cut my hair.
That might have been my most angry moment ever. I have calmed since, and all is forgiven.
Davis has told that story multiple times. It sounds like you had a bloodlust.
Post a Comment
<< Home