I’ve got nothing.
It’s either another monkey post or an anti-depressant post.
Speaking of anti-depressants, I’ve been clean of the aforementioned since January. And in honor of my sobriety from legal drugs – please to enjoy a run down of Ryan’s experience with our nation’s finest pharmaceuticals (it seems like I’ve been on them all).
Chronological with side effects included:
Wellbutrin – I couldn’t get a boner.
Zoloft - Zombism (behaving in a Zombie like manner) and I didn’t eat for an entire weekend.
Paxil – No complaints really. I gave it up because I was joining the stupid Navy.
Lexapro - Severe zombism.
Anyway, to part with protocol and not to stand on ceremony, I’m going to list my five favorite songs of all time. It’s not really of all time though, just the songs I have on my current playlist. This is very similar to
Jeff Healy’s classic 2008 post about his favorite albums of the year (without the pretty pictures).
Not in any particular order:
P.S.S. Seth, where do you live now?
An Autobonerography
I think the despondent nature of last week’s post was too sharp a contrast from what I feel this blog should concern itself with. So, aninterstellarburst is back in good spirits and full of monkey business, tomfoolery, and other colloquialisms that I can’t think of.
Maybe I’ve hit rock bottom or simply ran out of good ideas, but here we go anyway: A post about Ryan’s penis.
And no, it doesn’t have a name.
This isn’t so much a background or biography as it is a timeline of my early experiences with erections. By the way, I feel oddly compelled to revel that I am circumcised. And it’s strange when you think about it, given the fact that I am neither Jewish nor Muslim. Which got me wondering why my mother let a doctor cut part of my penis off? So I asked her.
“Because it was the style at the time,” she said.
You can only imagine my relief in discovering that in the early 1980’s I had a very stylish penis. Other than that, there is really nothing else remarkable about my thingy.
It would be impossible for me to pinpoint the exact moment of my first boner. For all I know I was dry humping stuffed animals straight from the get go. But I can tell you the moment in which I discovered the correlation between a strange swelling in my Oshkosh B'gosh’s and the semi-nude female form. You see, growing up, one of the few VHS tapes we had in our house was “Return of the Jedi”. We also had one of the those VCR’s that had a “remote control’, only the “remote control” had a six foot cord leading back to the tape deck. Anyway, my first real sexual fantasy/mini boner is entirely due to Jabba the Hutt’s insistence that Princess Leia wear a skimpy slave girl outfit (pictured below).
The strange thing about this one is that I no longer find Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) attractive. I have no idea what six year old Ryan saw in her, but I’m fairly certain he had no idea about the incestuous relationship she had with Luke Skywalker. But I do remember the curiosity and twinkle in my pants every time I saw the Princess swing from a rope or strangle Jabba wearing nothing but a bikini.
So that pretty much sums up 1983 to 1990. Or as I should of called it: “Ryan McClune – the seven year-old pervert”
Next on the list is a young Brooke Shields (pictured below) from the 1980 film “Blue Lagoon”. It’s a wonderfully erotic movie once you get around the unlikely and convoluted story line. There’s no way in hell those two kids would of survived alone on that island after the old man died. Couple that with a teenage Brooke Shields giving birth without the presence of a midwife and you can see just how ridiculous yet boner inspiring “Blue Lagoon” really is. I could of course go on about how great Brooke looked in a makeshift bikini but I’m not going to. Rather, I recommend renting the film, lighting a few candles, and letting nature do the rest.
And last but not least, my first love - Kelly Kapowski. Head Cheerleader at Bayside High and “on again off again” girlfriend of the school’s resident lothario Zach Morris; Tiffani-Amber Thiessen’s Kelly was the hottest thing on after school television in the early to mid 1990’s. On an interesting side note, if you google “Kelly Kapowski”, her Wikipedia entry is listed as “Kelly Morris”, in case you forgot that she eventually married Zach.
I’ve decided to stop here, we’ll call it 1996 - when Ryan (aged 13), is still sexually innocent yet full of lustful curiosity. If I blogged about myself at 14 or 15, things would start to get weird and gross. Like the time I put a condom on and masturbated. Which is arguably the strangest most pointless thing I have ever done. You see, at this point, sexual Ryan murdered childhood Ryan. And that’s not even the sad part, the sad part is that fifteen year old Ryan never really grew up.
That’s it. I’m disappointed too.
But check out this link which brings a smile to my face much like the monkey poster that Vince brings up in the comments section.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vbnLYROCj8
