an interstellar burst

1.01.2011

Bing (and not the search engine)

This is great. Sorry for the (I think Portuguese) subtitles.

The end is the best. About 2:30 or so.

Bing!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xwCy_ai_E0

11.08.2010

First blog in over a year

The picture is of my dog Boomer. He died in September only three weeks after I left for a job. He was 18.

Obviously, this is way overdue. But I’m not apologizing.

I’m going to Disneyland on Thursday, so if any five year olds are reading this, take that!

I had to rush home from work this morning because I had to go to the bathroom really bad. The facilities at work consist of two toilets and a single urinal. And that is simply not enough privacy for a “number 3”. I don’t call it “number 2” because you always pee a little when you do it and that’s a “number 1”. Therefore 2 (poop) + 1 (pee) = 3.

It gave me a brilliant idea, by the way. As I was speeding home I realized a simple, yet ingenious way of talking oneself out of a speeding ticket.

Tell the Policeman that you were heading home as quickly as possible because you’ve got to poop.

Now hear me out:

The poop argument will catch the Cop off guard. Follow it up with a sincere apology and if possible, try pushing as much blood to your face so as to look like your trying to keep something inside one of your orifices.

Before the Officer can respond, respectfully ask where the closest public bathroom is that he would recommend.

The conversation might go like this:

Me: “Gosh, I know I was going a bit too fast, but I’ve got to poop so bad. I’m trying to get home because this is serious.”

Policeman: “Well, Uhh.”

Me: “I think there’s a McDonalds, KFC, maybe a Carl’s Jr. about a mile away? Which would you try first if you were me?”

Policeman: “The Carl’s Jr., and a good day to you sir!”

That’s it.

And here is an awesome song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTPqPZzH-LA

11.04.2009

The picture is Fabregas...It has nothing to do with the post

Sorry about my absence. Again.

I honestly cannot think of a single interesting thing to write about, so bear with me, this won't be entertaining.

I fell in my parents pool the other night. I think it was Monday. And my back has been killing me ever since. I don't really remember how it happened, but suffice to say, I had a few Chardonnay's that evening.

My phone got soaked as well. Right now its doing that thing where it sizzles when you plug in the charger.

Two weeks ago (I didn't realize how long its been since the last post), my dog got really sick. I took him to an emergency vet clinic. The place where they put poor old dogs to sleep. Anyway, Boomer (my dog) had geriatric vestibular syndrome. In laymen's terms, that means old persons vestibular syndrome. Long story short, he made a miraculous recovery. But I was really worried for a while.

Even longer ago, a month maybe, I went to Reno to see the University of Missouri play the mighty Nevada Wolf pack. My friend here in Sac town went to Mizzou, so naturally, I rooted for the Big 12 team. He had a Missouri sweatshirt on and someone threw a beer on him. It was actually a lot of fun. We stayed the night at this friend of a friend's apartment in what I can only describe as "the bad part of Reno" - and it was certainly an experience.

(cue the Doogie Howser theme song) A lot of questions were asked of me since my last post. Can you go thirty days without mentioning monkeys? Are you destined to be a drunken fool with momentary minutes of enlightenment? Are you entirely incapable of not getting drunk in a car on it's way to Reno. Is your dog going to die?

Now that I think about it, nobody asked these questions. And I did mention monkeys ( in the question about monkeys).

By the way, I have no idea what picture is going to be above this post. I'll sort it out right now.

Safe.

9.08.2009

The picture....It's autographed

Sorry about the lack of posts....again. I really have nothing to write about. I was thinking of a Tony Danza post but that just seems lazy, no?

I had my second strangest Chinese food experience yesterday in Rocklin (a suburb) that was kind of interesting.

If I haven't described my strangest experience yet, it invovles bird spit.

Here's a link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bird's_nest_soup

That's it. I'll try harder next time.

8.18.2009

I can't be bothered to think of a clever title.

I know its been ages since my last post. Apologies.

And you, my dear readers, deserve a really great blog this time around. Unfortunately, I can't do that. I really think I peaked with that Topsy's post. Just kidding, that was nonsensical trash.

Today is my parents wedding anniversary. They're going to Napa or somewhere like that this weekend but tonight they dumped Marellie in my lap and went gallivanting into the night. The really disturbing part is that my Dad wouldn't tell me where they were going or when they would be back. He also left his cellphone here. And we all know what that means: Love Making.

My dog's birthday is this month as well. I don't which day though, and I don't think he knows either. Boomer (my dog) turns eighteen and he's completely deaf. If you couple a dog's naturally short attention span with deafness, you get a very frustrating pet. I see a dog's I.Q. as a sum of his senses. For example, in the mind of a dog, poison is to be avoided because it smells bad and leaving the chainsaw alone is good because is sounds dangerous. So its only natural to assume my dog's intelligence has been halved over the past year. Which is really frightening when your dog is exceptionally stupid.

Do you want to know an interesting fact about Beam, which is what I call Boomer?

He was the second dog in history to have Neuticles.

Some quack vet in Missouri invented steel replacement nuts for neutered dogs back in the 1990's. My Mom's friend won some gag prize on a radio show which turned out to be a free promotional "installation?" "implant?" of neuticals. She didn't own a dog so, "Bob's you're Uncle", Boomer has fake nuts. To this day, Boomer, despite being the world's biggest chicken, has balls of steel.

I've poked and flicked at them too. They really are hard as a rock.

For more information contact the following website: http://www.neuticles.com/

7.22.2009

yeah, it's him again.

I'm writing tonight so tossing in a blog is natural. By the way, forgive me if the following sucks. I don't think I've said "sucks" in a long time. I used to say "crappy" but now I say "crummy" or "poor" - which I think is more appropriate.

By the way, did any of my two readers actually click on the jpeg of the popped-collard guy. If you didn't, he had four collared shirts on (popped, of course), and that was sort of the joke. If it was lost on any of you, that's a mea culpa.

Speaking (writing, rather) of the word "popped", I was just reminded of Topsy's in Kansas City. Remember Topsy's (Jeff)? I wouldn't be suprised if they don't exist anymore, on account of the economy and all. In fact, I'm suprised a business which sells only popcorn ever thrived in the first place.

Which brings me to my next point, Ryan's list of terrible business models:

1) The Pickle Emporium: Featuring pickles, Kosher for our Jewish friends and non-Kosher for the anti-semites.

2) The Popcorn Factory: Oh wait, already taken. Thanks a lot Topsy's.

3) Gum World...This is dumb and I'll stop now.

This post is supposed to be about the fat kid.

What to think of fatty in the Alf T-shirt?

For starters, I think this picture was taken in England. I don't know why, I just do. Also, I believe it's probably from the eighties. The Alf shirt is the give away.

I've zoomed in on his lunch box several times in an attempt to gather more clues but as of yet, I think its just solid blue.

The fat kid is sneaky, he's not giving away his secrets. He looks happy though, click the picture if you don't belive me. Maybe it's gladular and he got on the right medication or an excersice program of some sort. Anyways, I wish him the best. Although he's most likely in his fifties and suffering from heart disease and diabetes.

I've been working on my book a lot lately which sounds precocious I know. It's trash though, not like the solid gold I write for you. But I have to put that out, it's difficult and I'm critical of myself. So be nice to the blog you vultures.

That's it really. I wish there was more and I'm dissapointed too.

7.09.2009

The fat kid comes last.

[edit] Well..refer to the latter part of the entry for my comments on the fat kid.

I found this picture on the Internet (where else?).

As all of you must know by now, Ryan doesn't shy away from popping the collar.

Popping the collar is a lot like smoking cigarettes, if people ask you why in the world you do such a thing, you always answer the same:

"because it makes me look cool".

But if you run into the metaphorical brick wall of pick up lines regarding the popped collar, you can do what I do. Although its a bit of a long shot, it works more often than one would think:

"Why do you where your collar up like that?" asks the beautiful yet shy blonde.

"It's a bit of a secret really, what's your name?"

"Quit changing the subject, jerk" is her untimely response.

"Can I buy you a drink?" Ryan politely asks.

"No. Tell me about your collar"

"Can I trust you with a secret then?"

"Of course"

"I'm a time traveler from the 1980s, and the "Back to the Future" movies were based on me".

I got really into that dialog and I don't want to tell you how it ends.

P.S. It ends with me telling Jane Doe that Michael J. Fox stole my life jacket.

I'm going to try and upload another picture but as I've said before, I'm having difficulty formatting the blog lately.

So, the kid winds up on top.

I don't want to make fun of fat kids. In fact, I find it ethically irreconcilable. But you have to wonder, whats inside his lunch box. I think its a big giant rice crispy treat that was baked in the box itself.

P.S. I watched the film "Role Models" the other day. I recommend it.

"love take me down to the streets"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a2RItLuDPY8

also, I'm listening to this right now. The real version, but she's great, no?.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3X3vPOKo2_Y&feature=related